Drinking Gin & Tonics with Taylor Kay Phillips
Plus, her special Fuzzy Sparkle cocktail, how to prolong your tulips, ramp season, boats and hoes and so much more.
Happy Friday, y’all. We made it to Cocktail Hour!
But before we commence to drinking, I have a little housekeeping. First, I’d love it if you joined me over on Substack Notes.
It’s like Twitter, but less toxic. More like the Internet that I — maybe you? — remember from the early oughts. Fun, generative, dare I say, Midwest Nice?
Notes allows you to post notes (don’t call them Tweets) that share your own thoughts or repost someone else’s. Doing that can really help amplify the work of your your favorite writers (or your own!) to a greater community.
If you’d like to join me there, all you need to do is download the Substack app and look for the “notes” icon. (From the web, you can also just head to substack.com/notes) As a subscriber to Bar\Heart, you’ll automatically see my notes. Feel free to like, reply, or share them around.
The app is actually pretty fantastic. It allows you to get all of your favorite Substack writers in one place, comment and post notes. You can also bookmark things to come back to later, making it a great place to store all the things you mean to read but get lost in your inbox.
Anyway… thanks for letting me tell you about this new feature that I’m pretty excited about. I hope you’ll enjoy it, too.
Now on to the drinking. And the hoe-ing. (That will make sense later.)
WHAT I AM DRINKING: Gin & Tonic with Taylor Kay Phillips
On Tuesday, I interviewed Emmy-award winning comic Taylor Kay Phillips about her new book, A Guide to Midwestern Conversation. (If you haven’t read our chat yet, you really should. I even made a video!) And she told me that her celebration cocktail is a gin and tonic.
“The first time I ever went to an awards show it was as a plus one with my husband, Felipe, who decided that his “award show cocktail” was an Old Fashioned. Mine, I decided, was a gin and tonic. :)
Also, we had a Gin and Tonic bar at our wedding with all kinds of “fixins” and when our planner offered it to us, initially I said “Oh no, we don't need all that” and then at the end of the call I said "oh, sorry, one more thing. I'm gonna need that Gin and Tonic bar to happen."
Clearly.
Taylor likes hers with a lot of lime and sometimes tries a flavored gin or elderflower tonic. Or her husband’s cousin, Sammy, makes “G&T a la Sammy,” which is gin+tonic+ginger ale with a lot of lime.
So many options! The beauty of the G&T is that it’s infinitely adaptable.
G&T is pretty much the house drink here at Matilda Manor.1 Summer, winter, fall, spring … it’s G&T season.
Friend Shana – she of the “oh-shit kit” and cocktail fuckery with Peeps – likes hers with a more floral gin, like Hendricks or her fave, Bar Hill. I like mine very astringent and juniper-y, like I’ve licked a pine tree.2 Lovey just likes his tall and strong; basically, all gin.
A friend once said I make an assertive G&T; whereas Lovey’s are downright assault.3 When we lived in Red Hook, the local bartenders would make his G&Ts in pint glasses that looked like a tall glass of ice water. So much so that his G&T became known as “ice water.”
I’d order an Ice Water, and they’d know I meant a a dialed-down version. Other guests they might ask if they wanted a “Lovey Ice Water” or, presumably, something less aggressive. But they didn’t always check. The number of out-of-zoners4 who ordered a glass of actual ice water at the Ice House and were surprised when they took that first gulp. Priceless.
Before you get to mixing up your G&Ts, I thought it might be helpful to have a primer on the three most common types of gin sold in the U.S. This is my summation, but you can go much deeper.
Types of Gin
London Dry Gin: This is the basic; the one you’re probably most familiar with: Beefeater, Tanqueray, Bombay Sapphire, etc. It has the juniper notes that I like, though each brand differs depending on what botanicals were added during the distilling process. It’s “dry” because there is little to no sweetness.
"What's termed a 'dry gin' means there's no added (artificial) flavoring, the flavors are all natural from the botanicals. If the gin has sweetness, it's more than likely it contained a botanical like licorice." – barman Nathan O'Neill told Bon Appetit
Plymouth: This is a style of London Dry Gin that is only made by the Plymouth Gin Distillery.5 That’s because, by law, Plymouth gin must be made in Plymouth in the South of England. You’ve heard of Plymouth Rock? Well, the Mayflower Pilgrims sailed from Plymouth, and, the website says, enjoyed a drink or two at the distillery before embarking.
Plymouth gin is typically drier (less juniper-y) and more citrus-forward than a London Dry Gin because it has more botanicals added to the distillation. If a recipe calls for Plymouth, it’s a good idea to listen.
"The gin has a bit of an earthier feel, and it's a little bit softer in juniper. It has a nice kind of oily texture, which works fantastic in things like martinis and negronis, anything that has a slightly bitter flavor, Plymouth gin work really, really well,” – O’Neill said.
Old Tom Gin: This is a sweeter gin, typically created by a higher level of licorice in the distillation process. But no, it does not taste like licorice. "Old Tom works better in mixed drinks and pre-Prohibition cocktails, anything that has bitter flavors,” O’Neill said, because the sweetness of the gin balances things out.
Here are a few of my favorite (mostly dry) gins:
Liberator Gin from Valentine Distilling (they also make an Old Tom style)
Railroad Gin from Detroit City Distillery
Bombay Sapphire (for classic G&Ts, especially)
Schwarzwald Dry Gin from Monkey 47 (when you want something a little funky; it’s good in Negronis)
Beefeater (a classic basic; fairly astringent)
Plymouth Gin Navy Strength
Barr Hill Gin from Caledonia Spirits (more floral and uses honey in its botanicals; I keep this stocked for Shana)
Gilbey's Gin (our budget gin; neutral dry gin that makes a nice everyday G&T; wouldn’t use it for an elevated cocktail like a Martini)
BONUS COCKTAIL! Fuzzy Sparkles
Turning this over to Taylor: The other thing, since you are a cocktail show, that I must claim is my college cocktail that you would *HATE* called "Fuzzy Sparkles." It is Malibu rum, Sprite, raspberry vodka, cranberry juice and orange Juice. It's UNHINGED and my claim to fame among my college friends. The parts don't matter, of course. It's college. You dump them all in a bucket and drink.
❤️🤣❤️🤣❤️🤣❤️🤣
Amy here: I once made an equivalent of this, also in college. I don’t remember the ingredients. I do remember the bucket. And the 7-Eleven clerk cutting me off from buying more beer after, he says, watching me stumble drunk across four lanes of traffic. I dispute this! But I also remember sitting on the roof of the apartment watching the sunrise and feeling no pain.
This is all part of an epic road trip story that I should remember to tell you about one day. It all started when I was standing on a corner in Winslow, Arizona…
No, really. It does.
WHAT I’M READING: A Guide to Midwestern Conversation by Taylor Kay Phillips
You should be, too. :-)
Taylor’s book is funny and kind and insightful. It’s a love letter to the Midwest from someone who grew up here. And that experience, she told me, makes her an even stronger comic and writer for Last Week Tonight with John Oliver. Plus, her ode to the beer fridge is perfection.
THIS WEEK’S FEELS: Watch Out, Lovey 😜
PIECE OF ADVICE: How to Make Your Tulips Last Longer
Mostly just putting this here so I remember to try it.
Prick a pinhole at the base of your tulip flower and it will help them spread and last longer.
(Substack won’t let me embed a reel, so click the image visit the instruction video.)
MUST HAVE: Ramps
It’s mid-April, which means it’s nearly the end of the brief, magical season of the ramp, that not-a-leek, not-quite-an-onion, definitely-garlicky spring green! I plan to head to Eastern Market here in Detroit tomorrow and score the last of the harvest.
What will I do with them? Anything! Everything! You can make ramp butter, which is excellent melted over salmon; or whip up ramp pasta or pesto; sautee them in scrambled eggs or bake them into quiche. Or, as The Bestie™ recently taught me, pickle them for use in Gibson cocktails!
So, friends, your job weekend is to find and pickle some ramps so we can have Rampson (get it, ramp + Gibson 😉) cocktails in the coming weeks. Here’s the recipe:
Pickled Ramps
14 oz ramp bulbs and stems (no leaves)
2 c. white wine vinegar
2 c. water
2 tablespoons salt
6 tablespoons sugar
Instructions: Sterilize canning jars by running them through a hot rinse cycle in the dishwasher or dipping them into a pot of boiling water.
Prepare a bowl of ice water and bring a large pot of salted water to a boil. Drop in ramps in boiling water and blanch for 30 seconds; transfer them to the ice bath. Drain the ramps and pat dry.
In a saucepan, mix together vinegar, water, salt and sugar. Boil until salt and sugar are dissolved.
Stuff your canning jars (I like half pint jars) with the ramps. (Here’s a good primer on how.) When the jar is full, pour the pickling mixture over them. Then seal the jar with clean lids.
This is a quick pickle, so you need to store your jars in the refrigerator. They’ll be ready in a week, but best in a month. Imagine Fourth of July with a perfect, crisp ramp Gibson! Hint, hint!
If you want to store the unopened jars in the pantry – and have them last a year or more – you want to process the jars in a water bath. Here’s a good primer (with a different recipe) on how to do that.
3 Things I’m Reading on the Interwebz
None for you this week because Friend Shana has an epic review of the show Below Deck, aka Boats and Hoes, that you need to read and this thing is already getting too long.
WHAT I’M* BINGEING: Boats and Hoes aka Below Deck
*Technically I have not yet watched Below Deck, and that trailer terrifies me. But Friend Shana swears by it, and I generally trust her pop culture taste. So maybe I’m more Below Deck — or what Shana and The Consort call “Boats and Hoes” — curious than endorsing? TBH, I brought FBoy Island into our lives, so I can’t judge.
I’m turning this over to you, Shana. Tell us all about your love of Below Deck.
I’m not much of a reality TV fan. I’ve never seen a single episode of the Bachelor, Real Housewives, Jersey Shore, etc. I just don’t care for it. So I’m not sure how I fell into watching Bravo’s Below Deck, but holy hell am I hooked. Below Deck (original recipe) has been on for ten years and it has spawned four other varieties: Mediterranean, Sailing, Down Under and Adventure.
The locations are stunning, the guests are trash and the crew tend to be drunk and horny. (Listen: they work really hard and tend to be very hot. Nature will take its course.) It’s a classic upstairs/downstairs setting, much like Downton Abbey. The boats, which are all privately owned, are multimillion-dollar yachts, some of which are remarkably tacky. The crew accommodations make your college dorm room look positively luxurious.
The guests are on board for three days, max, yet they arrive with enough luggage for a months-long adventure. It appears that the boats have some sort of mysterious energy that causes bags to implode upon arrival, every guest room looks like a bomb has gone off. That is the least of the bad behavior.
They arrive expecting the interior crew to do their laundry; snap their fingers for more booze; and demand the crew dance for their dollars. Literally. Sometimes while partially clothed. They get falling down drunk, they fight, they display a tremendous amount of fashion mistakes.
The behavior is often so horrendous I wonder if these people have forgotten that they’ve agreed to have their antics on broadcast. I would very much like to see how they behave on a daily basis, but I’m concerned that they generally offer an accurate representation. Who are these people?
I know they get a substantial discount on the trip for being on camera, but it’s still estimated to cost $70k per three day charter. That doesn’t include the expected tip for the staff, somewhere around $1500 to $2000 per staffer…depending on how good those demanded lap dances were.
The crew comes from all over the globe. They live in teeny cabins with bunkbeds. They work 12-hour shifts, if they’re lucky. They also get falling down drunk, fight and hook up. The production staff had to add cameras to the laundry room and cabin bathrooms just to catch all the sex! Some of them are also terrible people. Some very problematic sexist behavior drove the best crew member ever, Chief Steward Kate, off the boat and out of the business for good.
The chefs! Oh, the chefs. Yes, you have a private, five-star chef on board. But they tend to be a wee bit off. Fine. Downright nuts. Like, you’re concerned that they’re in a small, enclosed space with very sharp knives.
The longest running Captains have been Lee and Sandy. Lee, a Michigan native!, is a crabby old dude. Quick with a one liner and secretly a softie, he has zero tolerance for bullshit. Sandy is the only female captain we’ve seen. She’s a tough micromanager prone to self help speak that’s a little woo-woo for my taste. But she won my respect in the most recent season when a boat moored nearby got nervous about the wind blowing them off anchor overnight. Instead of just moving his boat, he opted to radio, wake Sandy up and ask HER to move. She was just barely polite in refusing. It was a master class in dealing with people expecting you to solve their own issues.
Often the guests ask for a themed party. A white party or a disco night or some other stupid thing that requires fancy themed formal wear. I just don't get it. If I'm paying tens of thousands of dollars to spend a very limited time on this boat I am for damn sure not doing it in a costume or a formal dress. It's a private, chartered yacht. I will sloth round in my finest yoga pants and T-shirt, thank you very much. I will be well mannered at dinner, but I will do it in sweatpants.
I'm also unwilling to give up precious suitcase space for that nonsense. I would, however, LOVE a behind the scenes look at the yacht provisioners that supply the party favors. Is there just some insane provisioning warehouse at every port packed to the rafters with disco balls and football streamers and deeply cheesy casino night decor?
How’d we get the Boats and Hoes nickname? It’s the title of a fantastic and fantastically terrible rap song from the movie Stepbrothers’. I started to include a clip here, but the song is so offensive in so many directions I’m going to leave it to you to decide if you’d like to hear it or not. If you’ve not seen the movie *cough AMY cough* it’s stupid and I love it. Plus, Mary Steenburgen sells the hell out of the line “he heard about the fart.”
Amy here: I just watched the Boats and Hoes video. My eyes. They bleed!
I have no idea where to go from there. So, I think we should wrap things up. I offer you mom and dad’s cute lambs napping as an antidote to … everything.
Ok. See you next week. I promise we’ll go high-brow. After all, I invited Shana to write about Below Deck while we were having a pre-show dinner before seeing Stravinsky’s Firebird performed at the Detroit Symphony Orchestra. So… you just never know what y’all will get here.
Cheers!
Oh, P.S.: If you’re watching The Mandalorian, did you see that Lizzo was in last week’s episode? Squee!
I just made that up. Lovey nicknamed our house Matilda after the Tom Waits’ song back when we were renovating. In this context, I felt like we needed a landed-gentry name for our home. So, Matilda Manor it is.
I also like my scotch smoky, as if I’ve licked an ashtray.
Or something to that effect. Perhaps I’m paraphrasing. Or embellishing. But not by much.
What we locals called those who didn’t live in our isolated fishing village on the edge of Brooklyn
Technically a company could make a gin that tastes like Plymouth gin, but they’d have to call it something else, similar to champagne vs. sparkling wine.