What $2.5 million Buys in the Midwest

Covid came to our house. Then I went on a Zillow doom scroll.

Well, y’all, it finally happened. Covid came to our house. Lovey tested positive for it last week.

We’ve both been feeling crummy – though I have yet to test positive. So we’ve been laying low, bingeing His Dark Materials, trying and giving up on Shotgun Wedding (but I still love ye, JLo!) and regretting watching the new Reese Witherspoon rom-com Your Place or Mine (which Friend Shana had warned us to avoid!). 

I’ve also been scrolling a lot of Zillow and hate-reading the New York Times real estate section. Which million-dollar apartment would you choose? and How much $2.3 million buys you in these cities?! {imagine jazz hands here}. Don’t judge me; it’s how I self-soothe. (Don’t tell me you haven’t done it, too.)

My intent was to deliver you a little package of paczki history and deliciousness yesterday or today in honor of Fat Tuesday and the beginning of Lent. But my brain needs more time to finish writing about Polish immigration pathways, foodways, history of the donut, marketing of the paczki, and whether it’s really just a jelly donut.

Instead, I thought we’d play a little game of Midwestern Zillow Roulette. Forced at gunpoint to buy one of these $2.5 million homes, which would you choose? (Yes, I know, the New York Times story was $2.3 million. I saved homes in the wrong amount and don’t want to go back down the rabbit hole.) 

I’ll note that many of the houses used copious amounts of beige, white marble, and neutral floors. Was that Colonial in Madison or Cleveland? I can’t remember. Where was that ranch? It’s like they all had the same decorator/stager. Her name is probably Karen even if it’s not really Karen. She and I are probably not friends. So I picked a sampling of places that stood out or had something more compelling to offer than “big, beige and near a major city.” 

I also found two listings for $2.3 million that were clearly intended to be $230,000. I called the real estate agents and let them know. 😳

There’s a poll at the end. Tell me which one you’d buy! (Or none at all — even if someone gave you the money.) Enjoy.

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Chicago | $2.45 million

3 bedroom, 3.1 bathroom condo on Lakeshore Drive. Panoramic views.

Includes: 1 valet parking spot; Sub Zero refrigeration and wine tower; Gaggenau cook top and ovens; heated bathroom floors. No pets allowed. Last sold in 2017 for $1.525 million. Zillow things the property taxes are $30,000/year.

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Merrifield, Minnesota | $2.5 million

2 bedroom, 2 bathroom home on 8 acres with 253’ of lake front.

Inclues: 40x30 pole building, a storage shed, boat house and the original cabin from the 1950s. Zillow thinks the property taxes are $6,973/year. I would think this was mis-priced, except it’s been on Zillow for 86 days.

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Madison, Wisconsin | $2.47 million

3 bedroom, 4 bathroom home that was on Netflix’ Buy My House.

Includes: 1,518 square feet of outdoor patio space, lakeside basketball court, lakeside bar, life size chess, and gas fire pit. Last sold for $605,000 in 2017. Zillow thinks the property taxes were $8,623/year in 2019.

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Delaware, Ohio | $2.5 million

4 bedroom, 6 bathroom home on the Scioto River.

Includes: 11,659 square feet; cherry wood floors; domed stain glass ceiling; owner’s wing; bar; gameroom; 4-car garage. Last sold for $160,000 in 1995. Zillow thinks the taxes are $17,789/year.

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Rochester, Michigan | $2.5 million

5 bedroom, 7 bathroom castle on 6 acres in the Detroit suburbs.

Includes: “an extraordinary life of adventure free from peasants”; 6,106 square feet; gated towers; moat; drawbridge; elevator; five fireplaces; 6 furnaces; Tudor-style pub. Last sold for $900,000 in 2015. Zillow says the taxes are $31,680/year.

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Just for funzies

Rapid City, Michigan | $7 million

3 bedroom, 3.5 bath hobbit house on Torch Lake.

Includes: Partially finished home; 3,349 square feet; 3-car garage. Last sold for $1.25 million in 2021. No tax data.

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